Thursday, July 24, 2014

Dirty Old Men...

I just want to throw a question out to the blog-o-sphere... specifically to the men who might be reading this but are pretending they never do.  {Wink, Wink}  What is it about y'all aspiring to be "old guys" so you can say/do borderline inappropriate things and get away with it under the umbrella of "being a dirty old man?"

Don't feign ignorance with me... you guys know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.  My own hubs has said to me after a particularly hilarious visit with one of my old grey-beard uncles, "Man, it's gonna be awesome to get to be a dirty old man someday."  I mean, wow.  Talk about aspiring higher, gents.  :)
Let me give you an example:
My sister-in-law, whom we'll call "Jane" for the purpose of this story, went for a morning run and then came home and instead of showering and primping like a prissy girl, she just busted out the lawn mower and got to it.  This means she mowed the lawn in her tiny running shorts and her tank top.  This further means that "Bob" her older neighbor and friend, sat out on his front porch sipping lemonade, watching her do her yard work.  AND THEN, Bob walked over for a chat during a mowing break and insisted, "Jane, you get better lookin' every day!" Followed by a hug, back pat, another hug, a little salivating.  You get it.

Sweet?  Hell yes it is.
Twisted?  A little darn bit.
Patented?  Yep - To dirty old men; the only genre of human beings that can get away with something like that and know just how far they can push the envelope.  
I'm not saying we don't like it (I mean, every girl likes a compliment regardless of the delivery mechanism) but truly, something about having a beard o'grey and smile lines etched around your eyes makes you males completely fearless and utterly hilarious.
And this leads me to my next question... when do you know you've arrived at dirty old man status?  Is there a general rule of thumb that we women know nothing about?  If your head of hair goes grey prematurely, do you get a "fast pass" to this mecca of manhood?  Inquiring minds want to know.

*Side note - how the crap do I spell grey/gray?  Since reading the Fifty Shades series my spelling of that word is totally toast.

Anywho... In my experience the best dirty old men have a swagger that accompanies their physical characteristics.  It some kind of ballsy fearlessness mixed with complete contentment with life and a quick wit.  It's something is what it is.
But seriously, y'all are perverts and that's what we like about you, and apparently, why men everywhere aspire to be you.

XO You Dirty Old Men...

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Boot Camp...

All you girls who think you have a shoe fetish...let me be ain't got nothin on my husband's boot collection. And really, I knew it was getting out of hand but didn't think it was as bad as it is until I wrote this post and started pulling out all his boots to snap a photo. Clearly, we have a problem here.

 I found them on the closet shelves, in the back of the closet, in bins at the top of our closet and in the garage. I'm talking ub-sessed! And frankly, I'll never understand how one person "needs" that many pair. And I'll leave out the fact that he's a borderline hoarder and has issues in getting rid of anything. Thus the collection ensues...

Lol. This is my husband when I mention his tennis shoe addiction.

A pair for hiking, hunting, hunting in the rain, hunting in the snow, boots for work, shed hunting, shed hunting in the get my drift..and these are all his legitimate reasons for needing new pairs. Some pairs are waterproof, some are made of Gortex (all you wives of hunters will know this term), some have a higher cut for more support, and the list goes on. 

And so I'm wondering if their is an AA for boot hoarders. Because if there is, I can recommend a certain someone for the job of President ;)

What happened to the simple life? My only criteria for purchasing shoes is if they are cute. End of story. Who says girls are complicated?!

Shoepidity:  The act of wearing ridiculously uncomfortable shoes just because they look good.

So now when I say I need a new pair of sandals or heels and he comes back with a "don't you already have enough shoes?" I can quietly pull up his boot collection pic and that will be the end of the discussion. 

So make me feel like I'm not alone..does your significant other have a stash of boots? Spill the beans..what are they cray-cray/over-the-top about? 


Thursday, July 17, 2014

That Moment You Realize...

I have something to confess.
I am officially not cool.
I had this epiphany the other day with Ash at the pool.
My ego was a little bit bruised to say the least.
And it all started with the fact that I don't know the new crop of celebrities.
Therefore, I am old and uncool.  Right?!
But seriously, how did that even happen?

Like, when I see Kate Hudson, Reese Witherspoon, Beyonce, JLo, Charlize Theron, Cameron Diaz, Sienna Miller or Jessica Alba on the cover of a magazine, I usually buy it, out of principle.  I mean... these are my girl celebs.  I know them.  They probably know me.  :)  We're tight.  I loosely know who they've dated and what movies they are in.  You know, their rich history?

'Atta Girl, Cameron.  :)

But now I see names like Kate Mara, Minka Kelly, Lucy Hale, Olivia Munn, Jamie Chung, Bella Thorne and Ashley Madekewe all the time, and for all I know, they could be celebrity impostors.

FYI... This is Lucy Hale.  Some might call her, "Lucy Hale-No"  Fine.  It's just me.  I'm bitter.

But seriously, what do these people do?  Are they singers, actresses, reality stars?  I am clueless as to when and where all these newcomers came into the scene and why they're showing up in my People Stylewatch magazine?  {Yep, that's right, this girl is trying to stay securely fastened onto the fashion train... which may or may not be an act of total futility.}

Anywho, not to beat a dead horse or anything, but if when I make it on Jeopardy, I'm totally gonna flop in the "Celebrities" category, and that used to be where I made bank; or at least where I made up for other deficiencies like "Chemistry" or "Shakespeare".

I'll give you some factoids that might come in handy and will serve as multifunctional as they make you feel like an old fuddy:

1.  The Jurassic Park Girl?  She's 34 now.  Why my parents didn't have me audition for her role, I'll never know.  :)

2.  This was the top 5 on the Billboard charts eighteen years ago.  I totally thought Alanis was the shiz.

3.  The first State quarter was released fifteen years ago.  And yes, yes I did get a collector's book for Christmas that year.  Which was my Freshman year in COLLEGE.

And on that happy note I'm gonna go look into getting some Botox injections and/or spend some time using the Urban Dictionary to look up new slang and finally figure out what the hell everyone is saying.  :)
Your Old Friend,

Tuesday, July 15, 2014


Sit down and hold onto your pants..cuz this post is literally gonna change your life. And I know we've said that before..but for reals tho...

Since the time that I have acquired a smart phone, I have basically become the best mom ever at taking my kids' pictures.  Like before, I had to decide if where I was going was worthy of hauling around the extra piece of equipment..then I had to dig it out..make sure the battery was charged and there was room on the memory card (and don't get me started on what a hassle picture taking was before there was a delete button #film #nosecondchances)

Now I'm a picture takin' fool with my camera that has editing apps galore and that are conveniently stored on my phone for all to see...but that's just it. I was great at taking pics..but then what? They mostly served as viewing entertainment for the two year old while we waited in line at the store or watched our millionth baseball game for the day.

But are welcome in advance because I found this genius of a company ( did I not think of this) and its kind of amazesauce times a jillion.

So get on your IPhone pronto (Android version is coming) and download the Chatbooks App. They will take all of your pics and print them into the cutest book for 6 bucks! Shipped! Say whaaaaa? I know..reread that cuz you can't believe that you can get anything shipped for that..let alone a tangible book with all your snapped photos..but it's the truth I did it and I'm a total believer..I totally took the chatbook plunge and here is my first book..Our trip to see Mickey..all printed and documented. And I had a promo code so I paid a whopping $4.95. Pinkie swear!

Plus they are the perfect size and hello..what a perfect gift. And for $ really can't they seem way more expensive. But it's really the thought that counts. We are going to do one for my mamma for her birthday with all pics of her grandkids..I know right? And you are welcome for the idea..think Christmas and Mother's Day. So keep it on the DL and don't tell her it was less than a movie ticket. We'll throw in a pack of Diet Coke..cuz I'm a spendy giver ;) 

So get on your horse and get going..they will do any custom books or Instagram pics (plus you can sign up for one of their programs..where they will automatically send you a book for every 60 pics you put on rad).  And there are a million other cool things about you can do a book with up to 300 pics, you can have other people contribute, you can add captions and the list goes on.  They have basically thought of everything. More about them here 

Plus they are super personable and they even liked one of my pics on my IG account. How cool did I feel?

 Now we all have NO excuse to have our pics printed in real life instead of just having them hang out in the world wide web, on a blog or in our phone. 6 bucks shipped! Life changing.

Your Welcome


Thursday, July 10, 2014

Naked & Afraid...

Public Service Announcement:  Walk yourself right now to your recording device of choice and set it to record all episodes of the show that has been taking over my summer night time TV watching with the hubs... Naked and Afraid.

Seriously?  Nudity and Survival... two of my favorite things all wrapped up into a television show.  Now if only there was good food, maybe some cleaning products and some Bow Chicka Bow Bow, worked in to that little formula, I would be high on life.  I kid.  Kind of.  But not really.
So the gist of this bad boy is that a man and a woman who don't know each other, are dropped off naked in some wild and foreign land to survive for three weeks together.  Listen, I could survive a lot of situations once I got over the fact that my nudie self was walking around on camera with merely a blurb to cover my lady bits.  But that, my friends, would be a big hurdle.

I told the mister that the birthday suit part and the eating of grubs/snakes/rodents, are the only things holding me back from submitting my paperwork right now.  As for the upside?  Let me lay it on you... You could say you did it.  Which is rad.   I mean, that has to be a boost to your confidence when the Apocalypse rears its ugly head.  You lose a bunch of weight.  Which is also rad.  And... you get a killer tan in most situations.  We all know that naked cheeks look better tanned.  :)
And you know these naked duos encounter things I would never otherwise think about... like how to safely remove a leech from yourself?  Eww.  Or how to determine if a snake is poisonous by investigating it's eyeballs?  As if I'd ever get close enough to stare it in the eyes.  This is handy information in life I'm sure.  I consider myself a couple of notches more advanced in the survival department thanks to those two episodes, and I'm not gonna lie, I find that oddly comforting.  :)

How about the fact that when maggots infest a wound on an animal that's a good sign?  No lie, there was a guy in Madagascar who cut his rear on a rock and the wound became a nesting place for maggots.  Maggots!  In your A$$!  Seriously?  Who puts themselves through this crap?  But also, keep putting yourselves through it, because me likey the summer evening entertainment, y'all.  

Next on my viewing docket is Born in the Wild, which is an upcoming Lifetime series that documents the circle of life...  Read: naked, prego, groaning women who want to squeeze out their babies onto a bed of pine needles in the wild.  NO.FREAKING.KIDDING.

You guys --We live amongst these people. 
And on that note... happy summer TV viewing.


Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Regroup...Recoop & Review...

Now that the big 4th is over are you guys trying to regroup, recoop and dig out? Why is it that when a major holiday heads my way, my home life seems to go south. Yesterday I slept in with the kiddos to the time of 9 am! Say whaaaa! I eyes haven't opened to that number since..I'm not even sure when. But it was much needed after all of our days of late night fireworks and early morning parade runs (oh not by yours truly..but my Ellie did the mile fun run bright and early), parades, BBQ's and cousin time. So with my late morning start, I worked my tail off the rest of the day to get this house and our mounds of laundry up to par and then it hit me...

I came to the depressing realization that our Summer is like half over. 

 :-( summer is almost over

Did I just ruin your day too?  I know right? And then I started thinking about our Summer family Bucket list..not like an official written one..ya know..just the one in my mind..or the ones I've pinned on Pinterest. And I'm suddenly in a state of I somehow have no time in which I need to accomplish all these things..and then I get all sentimental..and start thinking that I only have a few (OK 4) Summers left with my oldest before he leaves the nest..I become a blubbering, sentimental, emotional lunatic mother at best. I have this need and urge to rewind my life so I can do more, be more present, realize more teaching moments, hug get my drift. I need to get it together.

 summer bucket list (source?). Maybe not all of these things but some of these would be awesome. that I know where me and Summer stand, I gotta pull on my big girl undies and get mt bucket list on. We've conquered the swimming, snow cone and lake trip items of business. Checked off a weekend at the cabin, float tube fishing (OK just the boys on this one) and we've played and watched more than our fair share of baseball games. Now to schedule in a family hike or two and some exploring with different swimming holes.

 And this is where you all come in. Give me your best summertime, family friendly, non-budget blowing fab ideas. What's on your summer to-do list or what have you checked off? What's been two-thumbs up and total blows? Give it up girls..I've got some major summer cramming to do.

Thanks in advance

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Pool Hair...

Guys, I've spent my fair share of days at the pool this summer and I'm thrilled to say I've got some real concrete hair solutions for you and me... The gals who are braving the pool on a regular basis, chasing kiddos in floatees whilst trying to look somewhat less like a drowned rat.  Yeah, the ones who are clearly not sitting idly by in an oversized sun hat sipping a Pina Colada?
First and foremost - for you medium to long hair friends of mine - you can attest to the power of the top knot.  Last week at the pool I tipped myself upside down and french braided from my neck up to my top knot and it stayed like a dream and looked like I actually prepped a little.  Win win.  I've seen the top knot adorned with head bands (which I love) and styled messy or sleek (love them both) but mostly I just want to salute the top knot in any version of itself.  It's my fave.
The next option is available to all of us gals, no matter our length of hair.  You've seen 'em for a while now... the Fedora.  Mine is of the Tar-jay variety and I really kind of laughed at myself when I threw it in the cart pre-Hawaii-vacay.  I am laughing no more.  I love it.  I feel a little bit polished (even though I'm really not) and a little bit hip (even though I'm clearly not) and a lot addicted.  It's on regular rotation at the pool and you're never the only one wearing one... for better or worse.
This is a newer addition to my pool head ware collection... the trucker hat.  My sista lent me hers for my last trip to the beach and I swear I converted immediately.  It's clearly sportier than the fedora and looks killa with aviators and makes you feel like the younger, cooler version of yourself.  The best place to snag a cute one?  Their trucker hats are affordable and cute and overall, swell.  'Nuff said.
When the top knot leaves your locks in a bit of a "knotty" mess, you start to consider other alternatives.  Braids are all the rage and recently yours truly tried the halo braid.  Also known as the milk maid braid but less symmetrical especially if you do it using the reflection from the metallic hand dryer in the bathroom.  I am here to tell you, I loved it.  Not because I looked like Sienna Miller (I didn't but I dreamt I did) but because my hair stayed untangled, up and out of my face and mostly dry AND the little fly aways that accompany me everywhere I go got wet and turned into feminine little tendrils.  It was crazy cute.  My hair was day two or three greasy so it really stayed up our entire day at the pool.  I'll count myself amongst the braid cult members as of last Monday fo sho.
I've seen ladies of the hood rockin' the Turban Headband or Headwraps as of late.  I haven't gone there because I'm a pansy, my profile isn't my favorite feature and I don't own anything reminiscent of a turban except for a towel... but I kind of love it on those gals that are bohemian at heart.  It's kinda glam, you know?
Now let's get all Americana up in here and shout out to the bandana.  I forgot a little bit about the bandana because mine were tucked away in a rubbermaid next to the aloe vera bottles in the boat.  And you know what?  A classic red bandana with a navy striped tankini does something to the pool mama's soul.  It is fantastically nautical and ca-ute without much effort at all.  Pull yours out of the depths of your closet asap and channel some Gwen!  My favorite online boutique (I kid) is Forever21 for hair accessories.  They have wired head wraps for $3.00.  Not even Walmart can beat those prices, guys!

Lastly, It's worth noting that I try to smear something conditioning onto the ends of my hair before I go to the pool.  I don't always remember at home so sometimes that "balm" ends up being some baby lotion or some lip balm from the depths of the pool bag.  (Bad, Amber!  Bad Amber!)  I still slather it on because I swear at the end of a long pool day when you finally take out that top knot and jump into the shower, things feel less crispy and more smooth (yes, even the baby lotion hair) and that has to be better than nothing, right?
And lest we forget... the sunnies.  I can't live without 'em.  I've become so addicted I'm like a mole and am blinded by the rays of the sun reflecting off the water.  Seriously rendered incapable, is what.   Unless this little water baby wants to borrow them.  Then... duh.

XO You Pool Honeys, YOU!
Do the American thing and hit the pool this weekend.
It's got to be in your summer Bill or Rights, you know?